Change Makers – Lux

Morning for me is a time where thought unravels into words and the words collect to form what I feel in my heart and soul. It is a special time of day that I have come to call “sweet.” It is a sweet space where my heart and soul communicate with my thinking, rational (or irrational 🙂 ) brain. I love morning.

As I was resting in that sweet space this morning, I watched as my mind captured the picture of a powerful Change Maker in my life. I met this powerhouse six years ago as she came into my life like an F-5 tornado. She turned my world upside down and then rearranged it to work for her. I needed her in ways that only the passing of time has revealed. My soul smiles when I think of her and our experiences together. Her presence alone fills the space around her with all the fullness and excitement life could possibly muster. She is a truly remarkable human being who truly suits her name… which means…. “light,” but not just any light… in its oldest translation it is from a verse from the old text of the book of Genesis where God says, “Let there be light.” This light was daylight, not just a hundred watt light bulb, and let me tell you, Lux is no hundred watt light bulb!! She is ten thousand lumens of light……

I knew she was who I would be writing about this morning as I opened my eyes and jumped out of bed. As I sat down in the morning sun, coffee in hand, I opened my phone and the picture above was waiting to be opened. I read that sign and smiled because Lux, my six year old granddaughter, is in this world to create a new one. And when I am wrestling with knowing that I also do not fit, Lux seems to find a way to teach me that it is okay. It is okay to be in the constant process of change and to live this life full on and full out. It is a gift to be here and to touch this planet and its inhabitants with authenticity, compassion, and love. Yeah, she can be hard for some to handle because she refuses to be contained, but that is a remarkable part of her. I am finding myself becoming me as I spend more time watching her and learning from her the ways to be in the world. To not make myself less so that others can handle me but to just simply let me out and let others adjust… or not.

There is a great deal I have learned from Lux. Her way of teaching is the action behind the words of such people as Mahatma Gandhi when he said, “It is easy to stand with the crowd, but it takes courage to stand alone.” Lux is simply unafraid to stand alone. When her peers are doing something she would rather not, she simply turns around and goes off to do her own thing. She does not sulk and, if some come to join her, she makes space for them. It’s really very simple. Oh, there are times when she feels there is an injustice afoot where her voice volume rises up to match her, and we all take notice, but even in that, there is something to be learned.

As I was growing up I learned, like many, to adjust me and my voice to the world around me. Therefore, I became silent. Invisible. A shadow observer. Lost. I scaled me down so as to not make waves or make people uncomfortable. I turned my volume down so much that I lost my voice. I gave away what Lux refuses to give up. My voice. I allowed people, and the expectations they had of me, silence me. I allowed people to determine whether or not I was worthy to be seen and when people decided I was not worthy, I hid. I became unseen. When I did step from the shadows because of an injustice that stirred my soul, I was not understood. I went so far inside myself that I lost my capacity to feel like I even had a right to be in the world.~~~~~~~~~

I have lived what feels like a million lifetimes of heartache, loss, pain, and trauma and through it all I have learned there is significant healing power in being seen, heard, and understood by at least one person. Lux has always seen, heard, and somehow had the profound capacity to understand me. My healing journey has shown me that the capacity to see, hear, and understand another is the foundation of the Change Makers in this world. It is also important to be aware that, as we heal and grow, we evolve and a new sense of Self arises. This is a process that requires continuity. As I evolve, my need to be seen, heard, and understood also evolves. At times I need more connection and other times I need less. For me, true healing work begins in the inner landscape first and, healing within means change without…. and so my need to be seen, heard, and understood changes to reflect my new way of being in the world. There was a day I needed desperately to be seen, but right now, I just know I am seen by some that have the capacity to see me where I truly am. Words don’t confirm that knowing, action does. The action of those who, like me, are on a journey. I see the reflection of this thought in Lux. As she grows and fills out her way (not her parents way) of being in the world, it is important that I seek to see her as she is, not as she was when she was a tiny baby. I find myself needing to acknowledge the new way we communicate and the way she needs to be snuggled or even how we play. I can no longer cradle her tiny body in my arms and sing a gentle lullaby… we now sit closely, side-by-side, as she talks in full form of her experiences in the world. How I communicate with her evolving Self informs her as to whether or not I see, hear, and understand her and, when I miss something she has great capacity to inform me of my miss. I am grateful for her capacity for a couple of reasons; 1) it gives me the opportunity to try again, to consider what I must do in order for her to know that I got the message and that I care enough to deal with it and make the necessary changes ; 2) it causes me to look into the adult world through a fresh lens. I have noticed in myself and others that, as we mature (?? lol) into adults, we far too often adjust ourselves to how others choose to see, hear, and understand us and, when it is a total miss, we choose to push our Self into silence rather than to speak up and say what we need. It seems as though we are more afraid of being rejected for being “too much of something” than we are of loosing our voice. There is something very important to be learned here…. something that will stir in each of us differently….

I long to be as courageous as my granddaughter and inform my world when they miss seeing, hearing, and understanding my true Self and the me that I have become….. I pray that my heart knows that many will not see the need to make a correction and that it is not about me but rather it about their capacity for change and my capacity to forgive…. I hope that I seek always to see, hear, and understand others with the same courage that I hope to be seen with…. and, may I always remember the teaching of little six year old Lux for she truly is a Change Maker.