Times of deep learning…

I love the forest. It has become my classroom as I journey through this part of my life. The lessons I may miss in the busy chaos of the concrete world seem to find me among the trees as my mind and heart open up to the ancient grounds I walk upon. A unique, beautiful, and deep wisdom resides among the trees whether they are dying or living. It is here that my mind is stretched and I am asked to be willing to receive what I cannot yet understand.

“A mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

I came upon this oddly shaped tree last year on my first time through my most favourite running trail. I have needed to stop to look at it every time I run through here. I found it odd yet amazing as it seemed to speak to me of things I could not yet understand…. until recently that is.

It has been an incredibly challenging six months for me. I have struggled, wrestled, fought, and taken to the sidelines in retreat many times as I try to process what seems too deep and vast for comprehension. I have had to look at my life square on and find a way to acknowledge and accept it as it was…. and it was a challenge… actually, it was more like the war of occupied Poland than it was the life of a child. My roots were tragically damaged and as I grew, my internal and external Self developed in great confusion. As the storms about me raged, before I had the capacity to process them, I was quickly knocked over.

Suddenly, standing in front of this twisted tree trunk, I saw myself within its design. I began to see the story of the life of the tree as it unfolded in my imagination…. A sapling… too small to have roots deep enough to help it push upwards, it appears to have surrendered to lying upon the ground after it had been flattened. External adversity changed the course of growth for the little tree as it remained ever close to the safety of the earth. Time passed and the little tree did not die, for its tap root, which is the source of its strength, had not been broken. And so, the little tree grew the only way it could, hidden among the underbrush, until one day, through a hole in the canopy above, it felt the warmth of the sun. The little tree had grown a solid trunk as the tap root grew deeper into the earth, nourishing it and holding it steady, but the time had come for the tree to reach upward. It would have taken many years under great strain for that tree to change the direction of its growth. I noticed how thick the bent trunk was in comparison to the the rest of the tree when, suddenly, I found myself captivated by the tap root which ran in the opposite direction of the tree trunk. That root was the anchor for the tree. When it was time for the tree to turn upwards, it would be the strength of the tap root which would give it the strength to change course. That tree, now heavy as it lay close to the ground, had to reach up, it had to want the sun, it had to be willing to endure the cost of growing in a whole new way. This is me. I am the story of this tree.

I spent days pondering what I had learned in the forest that day. What did this really mean for my life? Did I have a tap root that had anchored me? Have I finally begun to grow upwards towards the warmth of the sun? I have felt flattened and hidden under the brush of sorrow for far too long? Could I reach upwards? Do I have the strength and courage to change the direction of my life?

Yes, I have a tap root. It is solid, steady, strong, and has not wavered as I have questioned and doubted. My faith in God has kept my soul alive even as I have longed for death. Oh, my faith has worn as desperately thin as my hope, but still, it remains because my tap root remains. Now, I must depend on my tap root to continue to anchor me through this healing journey as the direction of my growth has already begun to change.

Yes, I have the strength and courage to reach toward the sun. I have, many times of late, had to dig very deep to find my courage, and I have learned to lean on others for strength, but the forest reminds me, these trees do not stand alone. All of us are stronger when we stand among those who know our authentic Self and who love us in spite of us.

During this time of deep learning, I am grateful for the teachings found within the beauty that surrounds me. I pray that my eyes, ears, heart, and mind will remain open as I reach upwards toward the warmth of the sun.